As we approach the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and gear up for another presidential election, it becomes increasingly clear what the most important things in life are: family and country. Just kidding. Obviously the two most important things in life are sports and movies. And when you combine the two, the boner alert siren is sure to blare.
Henceforthtofor, as a foray into what will presumably be a legendary blogging career, The Movie Bro has decided to devote his first several blogs to some of our most beloved film characters — fictional athletes. The underdogs (Rudy), the douchebags (Jack Parkman), the whackjobs (Steve Lattimer), the terrible mechanics (Billy Hoyle), the impossible comebacks (Rocky III), the gut-wrenching losses (Friday Night Lights), the immortal glory (Tin Cup), and the shit that just straight-up makes no fucking sense (Angels in the Outfield/The Sixth Man) are all ingredients that make this meal so satisfying.
So without further ado, The Movie Bro presents Picking Teams: Basketball Edition. (Note: since there are so many good basketball movies and only 5 starters on a team, I’ve elected to pit two teams against each other — one featuring all white players, the other all black players. And since a race war is imminent in the US in the next 50 years, this seems especially appropriate. Furthermore, I’ve excluded players who play themselves in a movie. For example, Michael Jordan (Space Jam) would be out, but Butch McRae, played by Penny Hardaway in Blue Chips would be in.)
PG: Billy Hoyle (White Men Can’t Jump)
Sure, his game is unorthodox. He wears retarded hats. Backwards. But what Billy Hoyle lacks in looks and style he more than makes up for with his basketball IQ and mental toughness. Hoyle has a flair for the spectacular and the mouth to go with it. And when the game inevitably devolves into a streetball battle, Billy is the man you want with the rock.
SG: Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers)
This pick is a no-brainer. Jimmy went 20-23 from the field over the course of the movie and would be absolutely lethal behind the 3-point line nowadays. You can run the picket fence for him all day, and he’s got experience as the underdog against an all-black squad as Hickory slayed South Bend Central to win the Indiana State Title in ’51.
SG: Scott Howard/Teen Wolf (Teen Wolf)
A lack of talented big men necessitates a three guard offense for the Cock-asians. But when you’ve got a skinny white bitch who turns into a werewolf dunk machine just before game time, that’s not really a bad thing. The wolfman is the only guy who will match-up athletically, and if he’s willing to share the ball, watch out.
PF: Ricky Roe (Blue Chips)
Surprise, surprise. Another country white boy with a serious flat-top and a buttery stroke. At 6’8″, 240 lbs., Ricky can stretch the defense, play with his back to the basket, and find the open man. If you entice him with a duffel bag full of cash, west coast pussy, and a John Deere, this kid will go the extra mile for you. Hey, a white, blue chip athlete deserves something extra. Ricky, we’re happy to oblige.
C: Ivan Radmonovic (Eddie)
Ivan make basket! All right, obviously Ivan is fucking horrible, but he’s got legit size and isn’t afraid to hack the shit out of people, which will come in handy when you see his match-up. His broken English may cause communicative problems on the floor, but this monster from the Eastern Bloc is really all the Cock-asians can muster to defend the post. Unless…
6th Man: Lurch (Celtic Pride)
…you get another piece of Eurotrash to use fouls. This hideous creature doesn’t see the floor very often, but he’s ready to produce when called upon. In fact, Lurch sealed Game 7 of the NBA finals with a power slam against the C’s in Celtic Pride. On a dime from Louis Scott. Who could forget that? As he likes to say: “I bring the bad crap, Coach!” P.S. Sorry for the atrocious photo there; it’s shocking that there aren’t more shots of Lurch out there on the net.
Team Big Black Cock
PG: Quincy McCall (Love and Basketball)
Armed with an Iversonian crossover and great genetics, Q was downright nasty at Crenshaw High, then USC, and then with the Lakers before blowing out his knee. A do-it-all point guard, Q will stick big shots and make his teammates better. His love life nearly derailed a great career, but hey, can’t fault a brotha for nailing Tyra Banks.
SG: Jesus Shuttlesworth (He Got Game)
A silky smooth jumper and prophetic first name made Shuttlesworth a prized recruit out of Coney Island in the late ’90s. Family issues abound, but this kid’s penchant for raining triples and locking down threesomes with slutty co-eds separates him as an elite 2-guard.
SF: Jamal Wallace (Finding Forrester)
It never hurts to have a potential Rhodes Scholar on your team, especially when he can sink 50 consecutive free throws on an outdoor court. Fuck the wind. Plagiarism could hurt his eligibility, but at the end of the day he’ll help your team, court your preppy daughter, and write the forward for the sequel of Avalon Landing.
PF: Saleh (The Air Up There)
Basketball is a global game, and no one understood that more than St. Joe’s assistant coach Jimmy Dolan in the all-time classic, The Air Up There. Shit, he became a Winabi warrior just to recruit Saleh, the lanky power forward with hops and handle. Saleh’s length and ability to guard multiple positions make him a versatile threat. And assuming he’ll be wearing sneakers and not playing on a dirt court, you have to imagine his productivity will be substantial.
C: Neon Boudeaux (Blue Chips)
Neon is every coach’s dream and every opponent’s worst nightmare. Soft hands, quick feet, unrivaled power and explosiveness. Not to mention he’s listed at 7’4″. And when he finally becomes eligible after scoring 960 on the SAT? Forget it. This kid is a one man wrecking machine, and all it takes for a letter of intent is a fully loaded Lexus. Not a bad deal. Also, you have to imagine the guy has a terrifying hose…
6th Man: Antoine Tyler (The Sixth Man)
A heart attack after a dunk took Antoine Tyler’s mortal life at the tender age of 22. Luckily, Tyler’s soul was able to stick around and guide the UW Huskies to the 1997 National Championship. The invisible 6th man has shenanigans for days: the ability to drain impossible shots, create inexplicable turnovers for the other team, and produce general mayhem in the arena. If you can make sure Antoine doesn’t return to Heaven before the big game, you’ve got yourself a real weapon. P.S. Hard to believe he wouldn’t have used his ghost powers to violate women in some way.
Was there ever any doubt that this game would be an absolute fucking barn-burner? Team Cock-asian just launching missiles from all over the court while Team Big Black Cock pounds the ball inside to Boudeaux and exploits their athleticism for fast break dunk shots.
Still, with just 9 seconds to play, Team Cock-asian sets up a sideline-out-of-bounds play. In predictable fashion, they go to their bread-and-butter play — the picket fence, with Jimmy Chitwood curling to the free throw line. But when Saleh covers on the switch, Chitwood makes a heady shot fake followed by a no look dish to a cutting Billy Hoyle for the reverse lay-up. 97-96, Team Cock-asian.
A desperation heave by Q McCall sails wide, and the white boys are the victors. There’s much love and respect among both teams, and as a show of true sportsmanship, Jesus Shuttlesworth invites both teams back to his dorm, where a dozen ready and willing nude college girls await. I love this game…