The Evolution of Liam Neeson

There are many things in this world that make sense. Science, Quiznos and YouJizz come to mind immediately. Of course, there are also many things that don’t make sense. In this category, I can think of no greater example than Hollywood. I’ll never understand how Morgan Freeman is perpetually 65 years old. I’ll never understand how Shia LaBeouf banged Megan Fox. And I’ll certainly never understand why Matt Damon bought a fucking zoo.

 

 

 

But not everything is black and white; some things are mulatto. I mean gray. Anyway, what I’m talking about is the evolution of Liam Neeson — some things can make no sense and pefect sense at the same time. Now please understand that the career trajectories of actors change in extreme ways all the time (see Philip Seymour Hoffman, John C. Reilly). But what we’re seeing with Liam Neeson is absolutely unprecedented: this man has gone from respected dramatic actor to bad motherfucker in the blink of an eye. What’s even more impressive is that he did it in 45 seconds.

There’s no doubt the success of Taken was the catalyst for Liam mania. Just look at his pre-Taken resume: Schindler’s List (sympathetic Jew harborer), Michael Collins (inspiring politician), Love Actually (widower), and Kinsey (homo). Now look at his post-Taken resume: Clash of the Titans (Zeus), The A-Team (special forces badass), Unknown (CIA badass), and The Grey (plane crash survivor badass). Even Helen Keller could see what’s happening here. But why now? Why the acute transformation after 30 years of portraying mostly normal characters? This makes no sense.

As part of a double-header, I went and saw The Grey yesterday, and it was classic neo-Neeson. Guy was in total control and delivering badass lines all over the place. Taping shards of glass to his knuckles and taking on a pack of wolves alone. And then it hit me. This makes complete sense. I don’t care that he’s 60 years old. I believe this fucking guy. I fear this fucking guy. I want to be this fucking guy. Turns out he should have been intimidating degenerates and karate chopping the shit out of people all this time — this is his calling. Fuckin’ Hollywood, huh?

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The Movie Bro Returns, Talks Emo Rape

You’ve seen the rumors on the internet. You’ve heard the whispers in the streets. No, not the one about Blake Lively sending her nudey pics to The Movie Bro, because that can neither be confirmed nor denied. The other one. The one about The Movie Bro making his triumphant return to the blogosphere. And lucky for you, I’m here now to set the record straight: I’m back, motherfuckers.

It’s been too long, loyal readers. Months have passed since The Movie Bro last blew your feeble minds with the most unrivaled cinematic knowledge the world has to offer. But where the whimsical nature of funemployment may taketh away, it also giveth back. So fortify yourself in your cubicle and make sure your boss isn’t spying because it’s about to get raunchy up in here.

Obviously I’ve seen a shit-ton of movies since I last reported. A few good ones (The Debt, The Descendants, The Ides of March), a few terrible ones (Drive, In Time, The Sitter) and a few “eh, I guess this was better than beating off for the third time today” (Moneyball, Sherlock Holmes, Annymous). But no movie released in 2011 captured the minds of the American public quite like the powerhouse that is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, and since The Movie Bro is hip and current as fuck, that’s what I will be writing about today.

Now, I could obviously critique this film on its artistic merits. Besides the fact that it was blatantly stolen from the original Swedish version, the writing was solid, the acting was compelling, and a lot of money went into this production of this thing — not a bad combo for a high-grossing movie. But who gives a shit about all that? Let’s get down to the only two issues worth discussing here…

1) The Rape Scene to Beat All Rape Scenes

Rape is a pretty unpleasant thing. At least that’s what I hear them saying at the women’s shelter. But have you ever seen a face that says, “If you want a Macbook Pro I’m going to chain you the bed and forcefully penetrate your anus against your will” like the one on the left? I know, it’s uncanny. And you can bet your sweet ass The Movie Bro is not a squeamish dude, but even I had to avert my eyes for a second or two during this gross violation of human rights. So the question is whether they needed to include this. I mean, the first time Lisbeth meets her new guardian, Nils, he forces her to give him a hummer for some pocket change. Not the most chivalrous gesture, but hey, no harm no foul. But once she’s assaulted and chained to his bed shortly into their second rendez-vous, I think we get the point. Like do we really need to watch her squirm while he mounts her and inserts? And no lube? Come on, Nils — not very gentlemanly. So I guess I’m torn here; on the one hand, it’s a pretty powerful scene that compels the audience to actually root for Lisbeth to revenge-rape Nils with a steel dildo later. On the other hand, it’s some pretty gratuitous shit. You sickos can be the judge.

2. How Hot is Lisbeth Salander?

The second thing every guy does when he watches TGWTDT is try to keep up with the twisting and turning plot. The first thing he does is try to figure out how hot Lisbeth Salander is. Now the people who made this movie are clever and clearly wanted to fuck with bros on this point. When you first meet Lisbeth, she’s clad in leather head-to-toe and looks pretty disgusting. But as the story evolves, she gets naked like 5 0r 6 times and it becomes increasingly obvious: every bro wants to bang the shit out of Lisbeth. What she lacks in style and willingness to conform to basic societal standards of beauty, Lisbeth more than makes up for with an absolutely killer body and a passion for riding dinger and eating box. I can’t be the only one who was thinking about busting a big ‘ole nut onto that lego man haircut. And since her real-life face is kind of pretty, there’s only one option: she’s hot. If you disagree, you’re most likely a homosexual and should consult your nearest therapist to deal with those issues.

So there you have it. The complete analysis of The Girl With The Dragoon Tattoo. See how I bolded the “anal” in “analysis” because of the anal rape? I’m the best. Fuck you.

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Top 5 Douchiest Movie Villains: Coaches Edition

Everybody knows that athletes get tons of glory, money, and most importantly, pussy. And though the leaders who guide and inspire them often lurk in the background, there’s no denying the importance of a good coach.

But for every Gordon Bombay or Mr. Miyagi there exists a psychotic asshole who will stop at nothing to win. The only team this coach hates more than his own is the one they happen to be playing on that given day. This coach’s affinity for screaming is matched only by his encouragement of dirty plays. We all know this guy and we all fucking despise him, so without further ado, The Movie Bro presents: The Top 5 Douchiest Movie Villains: Coaches Edition.

5. Coach Jay Hoffer (The Big Green)

Go-to line: “Go for the kill!”

In case his instructions can’t be heard by his team, Coach Hoffer screams via megaphone to the Knights as they mercilessly destroy opponent after opponent in this feel-good soccer comedy. And when the Big Green’s secret weapon, a Mexican stud named Juan, is found out to be an illegal alien, Coach Hoffer attempts to have him deported. But Hoffer is ultimately silenced when his lunatic son gets stone walled by the Big Green’s obese goalkeeper, giving the good guys the title in a shootout.

4. Sensei John Kreese (The Karate Kid)

Go-to line: “Mercy is for the weak.”

Sensei Kreese rules Cobrai Kai dojo with an iron fist and a heart of stone. A former Special Forces operative in Vietnam, his lessons are mostly about killing enemies and he’s not afraid to assault one of his students to make a point. Of course, this absolute fucking maniac is best remembered for ordering his prized pupil, Johnny Lawrence, to sweep the leg against the injured Daniel-san in the All Valley Karate Tournament Championship. Johnny does just that, but Daniel-san fights the pain and eventually defeats Johnny with a Crane kick to the face. Wax off, bitch.

3. Coach Jack Reilly (The Mighty Ducks)

Go-to line: “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big!”

Where do you start with Coach Reilly? Could it be when he outcast 10-year old Gordon Bombay for costing the Hawks the 1973 championship by clanking a penalty shot off the post? Or maybe when he cheated to keep Adam Banks on his team after the league had redrawn the district lines. Or how about when he sent two goons to purposely injure the traitorous Banks in the championship? No one likes winning more than Coach Reilly, but this ancient motherfucker got what he had coming by disrespecting the Ducks. P.S. I always wondered if any of the Hawks made the team the following year…

2. Coach Bud Kilmer (Varsity Blues)

Go-t0 line: “Your daddy was a no-talent pussy, but at least he listened!”

Having led the Coyotes to 22 district championships and 2 state titles in 30 years as head football coach, Coach Kilmer was an institution in West Canaan. Shit, guy had a fucking statue erected in his honor. But the secretive cortisone shots, the not-so-secretive threats, and constant verbal and physical abuse caught up to old Kilmer thanks to the courage of one Jonny Moxon. Kilmer never coached again after the player mutiny, but you wouldn’t be surprised if he got a few hummers from Darcy Sears after Lance graduated and left town.

1. Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson (D2: The Mighty Ducks)

Go-to line: “[to Bombay] You’re full of confidence…cocky…American…I like that. It will make our triumph even more enjoyable.”

Slick-back hairstyle? Check. Wears black clothing at all times? Check. Employs a smoking hot blonde as team trainer? Check. And while these characteristics would be enough for any coach to crack the Top 5 Villain list, they’re merely a foundation for Coach Stansson’s douchebag persona.

The Dentist earned his nickname as an NHL bad boy who punched out his own coach. After taking the reigns of Team Iceland, he molded the Vikings into an international powerhouse and the favorite at the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games. Led by scoring juggernaut Gunnar Stahl, Stansson’s team plays a physical brand of hockey and enjoys humiliating their opponents. Among his most malicious maneuvers was taking his stick to Gordon Bombay’s bad knee in a game of 3 bars. And when USA pulls off a miraculous upset over Iceland to claim the gold, a frustrated Stansson was happy to assign blame to someone else: “You lost it for us, Gunnar.” The Dentist certainly had some Reilly in him, but his imposing figure, willingness to inflict physical pain, and ambiguous accent really pushed him over the top.

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Top 10 Douchiest Movie Villains: Athlete Edition

As much as we might fight it, every bro lives in a dualistic world: night and day, right and wrong, vaginal and anal. And when it comes to sports flicks, this dualism is even more pronounced. Without Apollo Creed there is no Rocky Balboa. Because of Jack Parkman, we appreciate Jake Taylor that much more. The list goes on and on, but in this blog, The Movie Bro presents the Top 10 Douchiest Movie Villains: Athlete Edition. (Note: a true villain taunts, loathes, and wishes ill upon his opponent. He’s not ashamed of being an asshole; in fact, he embraces it. So when Johnny Lawrence swept the leg against Daniel-san and then apologized for it, he also pushed himself out of contention for this list.)

10. Spike Hammersmith (Little Giants). After moving to Urbania, Ohio, Mr. Hammersmith explains to Danny O’Shea that Spike was bred for football glory. Apparently, Spike was also bred to be a ruthless motherfucker. Dirty hits, disloyalty, and general douchebaggery made Spike a formidable villain in this football standard. But Spike said it best himself: “When you mess with Spike, you mess with death.” Pretty heavy shit for a 12-year old.

9. Val (Brink!). Do you recognize Val from this Disney classic? You should, because he’s played by the same guy that played Spike (where have you gone, Sam Horrigan?). In Brink!, Val captains team X-Bladz and makes Brink’s life a living hell with his incediary comments and flashy roller-blading prowess. He even surreptitiously lays gravel to a street course, which leads to a serious injury t0 the Soul-Skaters’ Mexican ho. Guy was a real dickhead, but karma’s a bitch and Val found that out the hard way when Brink dominated his ass in the final showdown.

8. White Goodman (Dodgeball). Good ‘ole White. WHIT…E. Goodman just oozed douchebag as the slightly retarded owner/operator of GloboGym. And when White learned that Average Joe’s Gym could default on its mortgage, he made it his goal to crush longtime rival Peter LaFleur as captain of the Purple Cobras. While he’s relatively harmless, White’s sinister plots, blatant cheating and aggressive sexual advances can’t keep him out of the top 10.

7. Butch Heddo (Rookie of the Year). Anyone who saw Rookie of the Year as a kid was intimidated as fuck by Heddo. Nothing says I’m going deep like a thick beard, a burly frame, and the ability to grind the handle of a baseball bat into sawdust with your bare hands. And when he taunts Henry with, “This one’s for Mommy…Mommy!” good God. Just walk this prick. Or float one. Whatever works.

6. Ernie McCracken (Kingpin). This is a tough one — because in many ways, Big Ern is so fucking awesome. Unfortunately, there’s no denying how big an asshole he is. Exhibit A: one of his cons led to the severing of Roy Munson’s hand. Whether it’s pouring sugar into your gas tank or banging your mom, Big Ern’s only goals are to please Big Ern and win bowling tournaments. And no one is better at either.

5. Clubber Lang (Rocky III). From the minute he challenged Rocky by calling him a paper champion and threatening to fuck Adrian like a real man, there was no doubt that Clubber would be a vicous adversary in this legendary series. A ‘roided out whacko from the south side of Chicago, Lang has a penchant for public ridicule and smashing media cameras. And while Rocky eventually exploits his lack of conditioning, it’s Clubber’s general arrogance and devastating left hook that make him such a hated villain.

4. Ray Finkle/Lois Einhorn (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective). Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle. Nothing says movie villain like a psychotic transsexual, and this character absolutely nailed it. From bitter NFL kicker to corrupt cop, Finkle/Einhorn almost got away with the kidnapping of Snowflake and the murder of Dan Marino. Luckily Ace thwarted this vengeful scheme. Nonetheless, Finkle/Einhorn was a great bad guy/girl. Laces out, Dan! P.S. Try and pretend like you’ve never thought about getting inside Lois Einhorn…

3. Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore). You knew it was coming. As soon as Happy won the Waterbury Open, Shooter made it his personal mission to destroy the controversial golf sensation. Armed with a massive ego and an unrivaled short game, Shooter will stop at nothing to preserve his status and win the elusive gold jacket. From hiring a pseudo-hitman to soaking Happy on the 9th green to attempting to buy Grandma’s house, Shooter’s vindictive plans render him a villain in every sense of the word. Fortunately, Happy captures the Tour Championship and gets to plow Victoria Vennett, while Shooter runs for the hills from the terrifying Mr. Larson. Crisis averted.

2. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV). “If he dies, he dies.” What else can you say about a guy who doesn’t give a fuck if he kills people in the ring? What he lacks in dialogue, Drago more than makes up for by murdering Apollo Creed, anabolic steroid use, and an unwillingness to fight for anyone except himself. He vows to break Rocky before their unsanctioned bout on Christmas Day, but the colossal Russian quickly realizes that Rocky is like a piece of iron. In fact, Drago is such a piece of shit that the Russian fans ultimately cheer for Rocky during this epic Cold War battle. But hey, if I can change, and you can change, maybe Drago can change.

1. Chong Li (Bloodsport). Before I went with Chong Li at the #1 spot, I prepared myself for some backlash. But this is all I have to say about that: if you haven’t seen Bloodsport or don’t know who Chong Li is, that’s your fucking problem. Go see it, and then you’ll realize The Movie Bro is 100% right on this. But I digress. The fact remains that in Bloodsport, Chong Li makes Ivan Drago seem like a friendly guy. This diesel Asian motherfucker was the main attraction at Kumite — a secretive martial arts tournament held once every five years in Hong Kong. But Chong Li doesn’t just seek victory; he aims to kill or maim each and every opponent and doesn’t think twice about breaking a neck or snapping a tibia (makes you wonder why they have a referee in this tournament). In the final match, he even blinds the movie’s hero, Jean-Claude Van Damme, with a dusty powder. Still, Van Damme miraculously forces Chong Li to submit, thus capturing the title of this prestigious underground tournament. But the purity of Chong Li’s evil will never be forgotten, and his spirit lives on in this tribute video.

So there you have it. The ultimate countdown of Sports Movie Villains. Stay tuned for the Coaches edition, which will be announced on twitter: @TheRealMovieBro. Or don’t. I really don’t give a fuck.

– The Movie Bro

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What the fuck is Matt Damon doing?

This isn’t easy for The Movie Bro. I mean I cried like a pathetic bitch when Sean told Will Hunting it wasn’t his fault. I considered joining the army after Saving Private Ryan came out and I realized I’ve made zero contribution to society. And is there a guy reading this who can fucking pretend he wouldn’t drop his worthless life in a heartbeat to be Jason Bourne? Oh, and don’t forget Rounders, Ocean’s 11, 12, 13, and The Departed — all bro classics. Bottom line is this: in 2007, Matt Damon was on top of Hollywood.

 

 

But Matty boy is falling. Hard. And The Movie Bro seems to be the only one taking notice. Like does he have some new agent who is a sci-fi whackjob? Consider his last few movies:

Hereafter: Damon plays a psychic who hates his life and refuses to continue being a psychic. Pretty much nothing of consequence happens for 2 hours, he meets some French skank, and the movie ends. Instant classic.

      

The Adjustment Bureau: Damon plays a politician who falls in love with a Bohemian slut. When he stumbles upon men in suits who control the fate of the world, he must run for his life to take back his destiny. Great flick, just one problem: it makes absolutely no fucking sense. Just ask Brobama: (Note: When the President takes the time to publicly shit on your acting abilities in the middle of an economic meltdown, you have a serious problem.)

Oooohhh. Contagion looks good. Damon’s wife gets sick. Damon gets sick. Everyone in the world gets sick. No one can figure it out. Someone comes up with a cure. Human annihilation averted. This shit happens all the time, so why not make another movie about it? Am I taking crazy pills?

 

But he’s not done. In 2013, he’s starring in Elysium. Here’s the two-sentence synopsis from Wikipedia: “Elysium is set on another planet in the far future. Little is known about the film, but it is known it will combine sociopolitical ideas and action.”

And if that’s not bad enough, Damon will play Liberace’s gay lover in a 2012 bio pic, opposite Michael Douglas. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up. Quick would you rather: would you rather have a tongue smashing session with 66-year old, cancer-ridden Michael Douglas or Sonny and Cher’s daughter/son/rhino? Click the link before you say anything.

But I digress, and as such, I almost forgot this one:

Green Zone: No clue what this is about and I don’t give a fuck either. All I know is that Damon refused to sign on for the 4th Bourne movie and chose to make this piece of shit instead. Good riddance, bro. I’m fine with Jeremy Renner as Bourne.

I don’t even know how to conclude this blog. Just utter disappointment, not even funny. It’s like watching MJ play baseball; just floundering for no reason when there’s so much greatness to be had. You’re dead to me, Matt Damon. OK, I’ll give you one last shot with Elysium, then you’re dead to me.

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Picking Teams: Basketball Edition

As we approach the 10th anniversary of 9/11 and gear up for another presidential election, it becomes increasingly clear what the most important things in life are: family and country. Just kidding. Obviously the two most important things in life are sports and movies. And when you combine the two, the boner alert siren is sure to blare.

Henceforthtofor, as a foray into what will presumably be a legendary blogging career, The Movie Bro has decided to devote his first several blogs to some of our most beloved film characters — fictional athletes. The underdogs (Rudy), the douchebags (Jack Parkman), the whackjobs (Steve Lattimer), the terrible mechanics (Billy Hoyle), the impossible comebacks (Rocky III), the gut-wrenching losses (Friday Night Lights), the immortal glory (Tin Cup), and the shit that just straight-up makes no fucking sense (Angels in the Outfield/The Sixth Man) are all ingredients that make this meal so satisfying.

So without further ado, The Movie Bro presents Picking Teams: Basketball Edition. (Note: since there are so many good basketball movies and only 5 starters on a team, I’ve elected to pit two teams against each other — one featuring all white players, the other all black players. And since a race war is imminent in the US in the next 50 years, this seems especially appropriate. Furthermore, I’ve excluded players who play themselves in a movie. For example, Michael Jordan (Space Jam) would be out, but Butch McRae, played by Penny Hardaway in Blue Chips would be in.)

Team Cock-asian

PG: Billy Hoyle (White Men Can’t Jump)

Sure, his game is unorthodox. He wears retarded hats. Backwards. But what Billy Hoyle lacks in looks and style he more than makes up for with his basketball IQ and mental toughness. Hoyle has a flair for the spectacular and the mouth to go with it. And when the game inevitably devolves into a streetball battle, Billy is the man you want with the rock.

 

SG: Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers)

This pick is a no-brainer. Jimmy went 20-23 from the field over the course of the movie and would be absolutely lethal behind the 3-point line nowadays. You can run the picket fence for him all day, and he’s got experience as the underdog against an all-black squad as Hickory slayed South Bend Central to win the Indiana State Title in ’51.

SG: Scott Howard/Teen Wolf (Teen Wolf)

A lack of talented big men necessitates a three guard offense for the Cock-asians. But when you’ve got a skinny white bitch who turns into a werewolf dunk machine just before game time, that’s not really a bad thing. The wolfman is the only guy who will match-up athletically, and if he’s willing to share the ball, watch out.

 

PF: Ricky Roe (Blue Chips)

Surprise, surprise. Another country white boy with a serious flat-top and a buttery stroke. At 6’8″, 240 lbs., Ricky can stretch the defense, play with his back to the basket, and find the open man. If you entice him with a duffel bag full of cash, west coast pussy, and a John Deere, this kid will go the extra mile for you. Hey, a white, blue chip athlete deserves something extra. Ricky, we’re happy to oblige.

 

C: Ivan Radmonovic (Eddie)

Ivan make basket! All right, obviously Ivan is fucking horrible, but he’s got legit size and isn’t afraid to hack the shit out of people, which will come in handy when you see his match-up. His broken English may cause communicative problems on the floor, but this monster from the Eastern Bloc is really all the Cock-asians can muster to defend the post. Unless…

 

6th Man: Lurch (Celtic Pride)

…you get another piece of Eurotrash to use fouls. This hideous creature doesn’t see the floor very often, but he’s ready to produce when called upon. In fact, Lurch sealed Game 7 of the NBA finals with a power slam against the C’s in Celtic Pride. On a dime from Louis Scott. Who could forget that? As he likes to say: “I bring the bad crap, Coach!” P.S. Sorry for the atrocious photo there; it’s shocking that there aren’t more shots of Lurch out there on the net.

 

 

Team Big Black Cock

PG: Quincy McCall (Love and Basketball)

Armed with an Iversonian crossover and great genetics, Q was downright nasty at Crenshaw High, then USC, and then with the Lakers before blowing out his knee. A do-it-all point guard, Q will stick big shots and make his teammates better. His love life nearly derailed a great career, but hey, can’t fault a brotha for nailing Tyra Banks.

 

SG: Jesus Shuttlesworth (He Got Game)

A silky smooth jumper and prophetic first name made Shuttlesworth a prized recruit out of Coney Island in the late ’90s. Family issues abound, but this kid’s penchant for raining triples and locking down threesomes with slutty co-eds separates him as an elite 2-guard.

SF: Jamal Wallace (Finding Forrester)

It never hurts to have a potential Rhodes Scholar on your team, especially when he can sink 50 consecutive free throws on an outdoor court. Fuck the wind. Plagiarism could hurt his eligibility, but at the end of the day he’ll help your team, court your preppy daughter, and write the forward for the sequel of Avalon Landing.

PF: Saleh (The Air Up There)

Basketball is a global game, and no one understood that more than St. Joe’s assistant coach Jimmy Dolan in the all-time classic, The Air Up There. Shit, he became a Winabi warrior just to recruit Saleh, the lanky power forward with hops and handle. Saleh’s length and ability to guard multiple positions make him a versatile threat. And assuming he’ll be wearing sneakers and not playing on a dirt court, you have to imagine his productivity will be substantial.

C: Neon Boudeaux (Blue Chips)

Neon is every coach’s dream and every opponent’s worst nightmare. Soft hands, quick feet, unrivaled power and explosiveness. Not to mention he’s listed at 7’4″. And when he finally becomes eligible after scoring 960 on the SAT? Forget it. This kid is a one man wrecking machine, and all it takes for a letter of intent is a fully loaded Lexus. Not a bad deal. Also, you have to imagine the guy has a terrifying hose…

 

6th Man: Antoine Tyler (The Sixth Man)

A heart attack after a dunk took Antoine Tyler’s mortal life at the tender age of 22. Luckily, Tyler’s soul was able to stick around and guide the UW Huskies to the 1997 National Championship. The invisible 6th man has shenanigans for days: the ability to drain impossible shots, create inexplicable turnovers for the other team, and produce general mayhem in the arena. If you can make sure Antoine doesn’t return to Heaven before the big game, you’ve got yourself a real weapon. P.S. Hard to believe he wouldn’t have used his ghost powers to violate women in some way.

Outcome

Was there ever any doubt that this game would be an absolute fucking barn-burner? Team Cock-asian just launching missiles from all over the court while Team Big Black Cock pounds the ball inside to Boudeaux and exploits their athleticism for fast break dunk shots.

Still, with just 9 seconds to play, Team Cock-asian sets up a sideline-out-of-bounds play. In predictable fashion, they go to their bread-and-butter play — the picket fence, with Jimmy Chitwood curling to the free throw line. But when Saleh covers on the switch, Chitwood makes a heady shot fake followed by a no look dish to a cutting Billy Hoyle for the reverse lay-up. 97-96, Team Cock-asian.

A desperation heave by Q McCall sails wide, and the white boys are the victors. There’s much love and respect among both teams, and as a show of true sportsmanship, Jesus Shuttlesworth invites both teams back to his dorm, where a dozen ready and willing nude college girls await. I love this game…

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