This isn’t easy for The Movie Bro. I mean I cried like a pathetic bitch when Sean told Will Hunting it wasn’t his fault. I considered joining the army after Saving Private Ryan came out and I realized I’ve made zero contribution to society. And is there a guy reading this who can fucking pretend he wouldn’t drop his worthless life in a heartbeat to be Jason Bourne? Oh, and don’t forget Rounders, Ocean’s 11, 12, 13, and The Departed — all bro classics. Bottom line is this: in 2007, Matt Damon was on top of Hollywood.
But Matty boy is falling. Hard. And The Movie Bro seems to be the only one taking notice. Like does he have some new agent who is a sci-fi whackjob? Consider his last few movies:
Hereafter: Damon plays a psychic who hates his life and refuses to continue being a psychic. Pretty much nothing of consequence happens for 2 hours, he meets some French skank, and the movie ends. Instant classic.
The Adjustment Bureau: Damon plays a politician who falls in love with a Bohemian slut. When he stumbles upon men in suits who control the fate of the world, he must run for his life to take back his destiny. Great flick, just one problem: it makes absolutely no fucking sense. Just ask Brobama: (Note: When the President takes the time to publicly shit on your acting abilities in the middle of an economic meltdown, you have a serious problem.)
Oooohhh. Contagion looks good. Damon’s wife gets sick. Damon gets sick. Everyone in the world gets sick. No one can figure it out. Someone comes up with a cure. Human annihilation averted. This shit happens all the time, so why not make another movie about it? Am I taking crazy pills?
But he’s not done. In 2013, he’s starring in Elysium. Here’s the two-sentence synopsis from Wikipedia: “Elysium is set on another planet in the far future. Little is known about the film, but it is known it will combine sociopolitical ideas and action.”
And if that’s not bad enough, Damon will play Liberace’s gay lover in a 2012 bio pic, opposite Michael Douglas. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up. Quick would you rather: would you rather have a tongue smashing session with 66-year old, cancer-ridden Michael Douglas or Sonny and Cher’s daughter/son/rhino? Click the link before you say anything.
But I digress, and as such, I almost forgot this one:
Green Zone: No clue what this is about and I don’t give a fuck either. All I know is that Damon refused to sign on for the 4th Bourne movie and chose to make this piece of shit instead. Good riddance, bro. I’m fine with Jeremy Renner as Bourne.
I don’t even know how to conclude this blog. Just utter disappointment, not even funny. It’s like watching MJ play baseball; just floundering for no reason when there’s so much greatness to be had. You’re dead to me, Matt Damon. OK, I’ll give you one last shot with Elysium, then you’re dead to me.