As much as we might fight it, every bro lives in a dualistic world: night and day, right and wrong, vaginal and anal. And when it comes to sports flicks, this dualism is even more pronounced. Without Apollo Creed there is no Rocky Balboa. Because of Jack Parkman, we appreciate Jake Taylor that much more. The list goes on and on, but in this blog, The Movie Bro presents the Top 10 Douchiest Movie Villains: Athlete Edition. (Note: a true villain taunts, loathes, and wishes ill upon his opponent. He’s not ashamed of being an asshole; in fact, he embraces it. So when Johnny Lawrence swept the leg against Daniel-san and then apologized for it, he also pushed himself out of contention for this list.)
10. Spike Hammersmith (Little Giants). After moving to Urbania, Ohio, Mr. Hammersmith explains to Danny O’Shea that Spike was bred for football glory. Apparently, Spike was also bred to be a ruthless motherfucker. Dirty hits, disloyalty, and general douchebaggery made Spike a formidable villain in this football standard. But Spike said it best himself: “When you mess with Spike, you mess with death.” Pretty heavy shit for a 12-year old.
9. Val (Brink!). Do you recognize Val from this Disney classic? You should, because he’s played by the same guy that played Spike (where have you gone, Sam Horrigan?). In Brink!, Val captains team X-Bladz and makes Brink’s life a living hell with his incediary comments and flashy roller-blading prowess. He even surreptitiously lays gravel to a street course, which leads to a serious injury t0 the Soul-Skaters’ Mexican ho. Guy was a real dickhead, but karma’s a bitch and Val found that out the hard way when Brink dominated his ass in the final showdown.
8. White Goodman (Dodgeball). Good ‘ole White. WHIT…E. Goodman just oozed douchebag as the slightly retarded owner/operator of GloboGym. And when White learned that Average Joe’s Gym could default on its mortgage, he made it his goal to crush longtime rival Peter LaFleur as captain of the Purple Cobras. While he’s relatively harmless, White’s sinister plots, blatant cheating and aggressive sexual advances can’t keep him out of the top 10.
7. Butch Heddo (Rookie of the Year). Anyone who saw Rookie of the Year as a kid was intimidated as fuck by Heddo. Nothing says I’m going deep like a thick beard, a burly frame, and the ability to grind the handle of a baseball bat into sawdust with your bare hands. And when he taunts Henry with, “This one’s for Mommy…Mommy!” good God. Just walk this prick. Or float one. Whatever works.
6. Ernie McCracken (Kingpin). This is a tough one — because in many ways, Big Ern is so fucking awesome. Unfortunately, there’s no denying how big an asshole he is. Exhibit A: one of his cons led to the severing of Roy Munson’s hand. Whether it’s pouring sugar into your gas tank or banging your mom, Big Ern’s only goals are to please Big Ern and win bowling tournaments. And no one is better at either.
5. Clubber Lang (Rocky III). From the minute he challenged Rocky by calling him a paper champion and threatening to fuck Adrian like a real man, there was no doubt that Clubber would be a vicous adversary in this legendary series. A ‘roided out whacko from the south side of Chicago, Lang has a penchant for public ridicule and smashing media cameras. And while Rocky eventually exploits his lack of conditioning, it’s Clubber’s general arrogance and devastating left hook that make him such a hated villain.
4. Ray Finkle/Lois Einhorn (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective). Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle. Nothing says movie villain like a psychotic transsexual, and this character absolutely nailed it. From bitter NFL kicker to corrupt cop, Finkle/Einhorn almost got away with the kidnapping of Snowflake and the murder of Dan Marino. Luckily Ace thwarted this vengeful scheme. Nonetheless, Finkle/Einhorn was a great bad guy/girl. Laces out, Dan! P.S. Try and pretend like you’ve never thought about getting inside Lois Einhorn…
3. Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore). You knew it was coming. As soon as Happy won the Waterbury Open, Shooter made it his personal mission to destroy the controversial golf sensation. Armed with a massive ego and an unrivaled short game, Shooter will stop at nothing to preserve his status and win the elusive gold jacket. From hiring a pseudo-hitman to soaking Happy on the 9th green to attempting to buy Grandma’s house, Shooter’s vindictive plans render him a villain in every sense of the word. Fortunately, Happy captures the Tour Championship and gets to plow Victoria Vennett, while Shooter runs for the hills from the terrifying Mr. Larson. Crisis averted.
2. Ivan Drago (Rocky IV). “If he dies, he dies.” What else can you say about a guy who doesn’t give a fuck if he kills people in the ring? What he lacks in dialogue, Drago more than makes up for by murdering Apollo Creed, anabolic steroid use, and an unwillingness to fight for anyone except himself. He vows to break Rocky before their unsanctioned bout on Christmas Day, but the colossal Russian quickly realizes that Rocky is like a piece of iron. In fact, Drago is such a piece of shit that the Russian fans ultimately cheer for Rocky during this epic Cold War battle. But hey, if I can change, and you can change, maybe Drago can change.
1. Chong Li (Bloodsport). Before I went with Chong Li at the #1 spot, I prepared myself for some backlash. But this is all I have to say about that: if you haven’t seen Bloodsport or don’t know who Chong Li is, that’s your fucking problem. Go see it, and then you’ll realize The Movie Bro is 100% right on this. But I digress. The fact remains that in Bloodsport, Chong Li makes Ivan Drago seem like a friendly guy. This diesel Asian motherfucker was the main attraction at Kumite — a secretive martial arts tournament held once every five years in Hong Kong. But Chong Li doesn’t just seek victory; he aims to kill or maim each and every opponent and doesn’t think twice about breaking a neck or snapping a tibia (makes you wonder why they have a referee in this tournament). In the final match, he even blinds the movie’s hero, Jean-Claude Van Damme, with a dusty powder. Still, Van Damme miraculously forces Chong Li to submit, thus capturing the title of this prestigious underground tournament. But the purity of Chong Li’s evil will never be forgotten, and his spirit lives on in this tribute video.
So there you have it. The ultimate countdown of Sports Movie Villains. Stay tuned for the Coaches edition, which will be announced on twitter: @TheRealMovieBro. Or don’t. I really don’t give a fuck.
– The Movie Bro