Everybody knows that athletes get tons of glory, money, and most importantly, pussy. And though the leaders who guide and inspire them often lurk in the background, there’s no denying the importance of a good coach.
But for every Gordon Bombay or Mr. Miyagi there exists a psychotic asshole who will stop at nothing to win. The only team this coach hates more than his own is the one they happen to be playing on that given day. This coach’s affinity for screaming is matched only by his encouragement of dirty plays. We all know this guy and we all fucking despise him, so without further ado, The Movie Bro presents: The Top 5 Douchiest Movie Villains: Coaches Edition.
Go-to line: “Go for the kill!”
In case his instructions can’t be heard by his team, Coach Hoffer screams via megaphone to the Knights as they mercilessly destroy opponent after opponent in this feel-good soccer comedy. And when the Big Green’s secret weapon, a Mexican stud named Juan, is found out to be an illegal alien, Coach Hoffer attempts to have him deported. But Hoffer is ultimately silenced when his lunatic son gets stone walled by the Big Green’s obese goalkeeper, giving the good guys the title in a shootout.
Go-to line: “Mercy is for the weak.”
Sensei Kreese rules Cobrai Kai dojo with an iron fist and a heart of stone. A former Special Forces operative in Vietnam, his lessons are mostly about killing enemies and he’s not afraid to assault one of his students to make a point. Of course, this absolute fucking maniac is best remembered for ordering his prized pupil, Johnny Lawrence, to sweep the leg against the injured Daniel-san in the All Valley Karate Tournament Championship. Johnny does just that, but Daniel-san fights the pain and eventually defeats Johnny with a Crane kick to the face. Wax off, bitch.
Go-to line: “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big!”
Where do you start with Coach Reilly? Could it be when he outcast 10-year old Gordon Bombay for costing the Hawks the 1973 championship by clanking a penalty shot off the post? Or maybe when he cheated to keep Adam Banks on his team after the league had redrawn the district lines. Or how about when he sent two goons to purposely injure the traitorous Banks in the championship? No one likes winning more than Coach Reilly, but this ancient motherfucker got what he had coming by disrespecting the Ducks. P.S. I always wondered if any of the Hawks made the team the following year…
Go-t0 line: “Your daddy was a no-talent pussy, but at least he listened!”
Having led the Coyotes to 22 district championships and 2 state titles in 30 years as head football coach, Coach Kilmer was an institution in West Canaan. Shit, guy had a fucking statue erected in his honor. But the secretive cortisone shots, the not-so-secretive threats, and constant verbal and physical abuse caught up to old Kilmer thanks to the courage of one Jonny Moxon. Kilmer never coached again after the player mutiny, but you wouldn’t be surprised if he got a few hummers from Darcy Sears after Lance graduated and left town.
Go-to line: “[to Bombay] You’re full of confidence…cocky…American…I like that. It will make our triumph even more enjoyable.”
Slick-back hairstyle? Check. Wears black clothing at all times? Check. Employs a smoking hot blonde as team trainer? Check. And while these characteristics would be enough for any coach to crack the Top 5 Villain list, they’re merely a foundation for Coach Stansson’s douchebag persona.
The Dentist earned his nickname as an NHL bad boy who punched out his own coach. After taking the reigns of Team Iceland, he molded the Vikings into an international powerhouse and the favorite at the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games. Led by scoring juggernaut Gunnar Stahl, Stansson’s team plays a physical brand of hockey and enjoys humiliating their opponents. Among his most malicious maneuvers was taking his stick to Gordon Bombay’s bad knee in a game of 3 bars. And when USA pulls off a miraculous upset over Iceland to claim the gold, a frustrated Stansson was happy to assign blame to someone else: “You lost it for us, Gunnar.” The Dentist certainly had some Reilly in him, but his imposing figure, willingness to inflict physical pain, and ambiguous accent really pushed him over the top.