You’ve seen the rumors on the internet. You’ve heard the whispers in the streets. No, not the one about Blake Lively sending her nudey pics to The Movie Bro, because that can neither be confirmed nor denied. The other one. The one about The Movie Bro making his triumphant return to the blogosphere. And lucky for you, I’m here now to set the record straight: I’m back, motherfuckers.
It’s been too long, loyal readers. Months have passed since The Movie Bro last blew your feeble minds with the most unrivaled cinematic knowledge the world has to offer. But where the whimsical nature of funemployment may taketh away, it also giveth back. So fortify yourself in your cubicle and make sure your boss isn’t spying because it’s about to get raunchy up in here.
Obviously I’ve seen a shit-ton of movies since I last reported. A few good ones (The Debt, The Descendants, The Ides of March), a few terrible ones (Drive, In Time, The Sitter) and a few “eh, I guess this was better than beating off for the third time today” (Moneyball, Sherlock Holmes, Annymous). But no movie released in 2011 captured the minds of the American public quite like the powerhouse that is The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, and since The Movie Bro is hip and current as fuck, that’s what I will be writing about today.
Now, I could obviously critique this film on its artistic merits. Besides the fact that it was blatantly stolen from the original Swedish version, the writing was solid, the acting was compelling, and a lot of money went into this production of this thing — not a bad combo for a high-grossing movie. But who gives a shit about all that? Let’s get down to the only two issues worth discussing here…
1) The Rape Scene to Beat All Rape Scenes
Rape is a pretty unpleasant thing. At least that’s what I hear them saying at the women’s shelter. But have you ever seen a face that says, “If you want a Macbook Pro I’m going to chain you the bed and forcefully penetrate your anus against your will” like the one on the left? I know, it’s uncanny. And you can bet your sweet ass The Movie Bro is not a squeamish dude, but even I had to avert my eyes for a second or two during this gross violation of human rights. So the question is whether they needed to include this. I mean, the first time Lisbeth meets her new guardian, Nils, he forces her to give him a hummer for some pocket change. Not the most chivalrous gesture, but hey, no harm no foul. But once she’s assaulted and chained to his bed shortly into their second rendez-vous, I think we get the point. Like do we really need to watch her squirm while he mounts her and inserts? And no lube? Come on, Nils — not very gentlemanly. So I guess I’m torn here; on the one hand, it’s a pretty powerful scene that compels the audience to actually root for Lisbeth to revenge-rape Nils with a steel dildo later. On the other hand, it’s some pretty gratuitous shit. You sickos can be the judge.
2. How Hot is Lisbeth Salander?
The second thing every guy does when he watches TGWTDT is try to keep up with the twisting and turning plot. The first thing he does is try to figure out how hot Lisbeth Salander is. Now the people who made this movie are clever and clearly wanted to fuck with bros on this point. When you first meet Lisbeth, she’s clad in leather head-to-toe and looks pretty disgusting. But as the story evolves, she gets naked like 5 0r 6 times and it becomes increasingly obvious: every bro wants to bang the shit out of Lisbeth. What she lacks in style and willingness to conform to basic societal standards of beauty, Lisbeth more than makes up for with an absolutely killer body and a passion for riding dinger and eating box. I can’t be the only one who was thinking about busting a big ‘ole nut onto that lego man haircut. And since her real-life face is kind of pretty, there’s only one option: she’s hot. If you disagree, you’re most likely a homosexual and should consult your nearest therapist to deal with those issues.
So there you have it. The complete analysis of The Girl With The Dragoon Tattoo. See how I bolded the “anal” in “analysis” because of the anal rape? I’m the best. Fuck you.